Be immaculate with your word
I don’t tend to google myself much these days. Back in the old days, when writing was new and I needed to be validated by others, I would spend hours googling myself, addicted to reading what people said about my books, about me, elevated to clouds of joy when it was good, sunk into depths of painful depression when it was bad.
And then I learned that you cannot please all of the people all of the time, and that other people saying you’re good, or bad, does not mean it is necessarily so, and I stopped googling myself (and sadly, in its place, discovered netaporter, which is far less emotionally draining, but my bank balance is not happy).
Every now and then, I do succumb, and occasionally I stumble upon something that someone has written about me which I cannot help but read.A few days ago, I found myself reading someone’s blog, who had written about how much she hated Jemima J.
I’m going to borrow a couple of sentences from her blog just to give you an idea of the tone…
This book is ass. Have you read it? It’s ass. It’s puke.
Jane Green ought to have just come over to my house and bugged the shit out of me.
And on it continues. I read it, stunned, and upset. And then I switched over to my email account and wrote to her, not because I wanted an apology, and not because I wanted her to feel bad about what she did, but because I wanted her to know that I had read it, and that writing something from the anonymity of your home, your computer, has far more impact than you might assume.
I have been, at times in my life, a horrible gossip. I remember once, a few lifetimes ago, there was a girl I liked tremendously, at University. I heard something about her– I don’t even remember what exactly it was, but I’m fairly certain it involved her sleeping around. I repeated it. Only once. A week later she pulled me aside and very quietly told me she had heard I had said this thing about her, and she explained, very kindly and sweetly, how it made her feel.
I was mortified. There was nothing I could say, but it taught me a valuable lesson – be careful what you say, and of course nowadays,what you write.
My beloved recently gave me a book, The Four Agreements, the first of which is, Be Impeccable With Your Word.
“The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and there by to create the events in your life…But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.’
I have caused pain with my words, and I am careful now with what I say about others, and with what I write.
Just for the record, I received a gracious and heartfelt letter of apology from the writer of the aforementioned blog. She apologized not because she had to, but because she had written that blog years ago, long before she realized the power of the word.
I’m glad I wrote to her. I’m glad she wrote back. It makes a difference.
WOW. You know, some people nowdays have no decency. I have (or had) a ex "friend" who completely just tore me apart. SHe was sposed to be my BFF, and I talked to her about my life, feelings about things in my life, b/c its just what you do with your BFF, right? Well, a few months ago, she just completely broke my heart with her WORDS. It made me question my whole being. It hurt and shocked me. This woman has no conscience, she doesn't care. She will pound on you until you can't take it anymore. I knew that, and I stopped talking to her until almost 2 weeks ago when my cell accidently called her house in the middle of the night, so she thought I was crank calling her- i am almost 32 yrs old for god's sake! (I had no idea until the next morning, and i deleted her completely from my cell after I realized and braced myself for what was to come.) ANyways, i get horrible after horrible email from her. I have no idea why or what in the hell I did for her to treat me in this way. At first I thought it was post partum depression, but later learned that its who she is as a person NO matter how you knew her...she tried to destroy my marriage...so I knew she was not one for me to keep in my life.
Ps- you are by far my FAVORITE writer! 
Thank god for my family and my friends, who let me know that it was not me, and that I am a good person. I am very lucky to have these people to lift me up when I need them to. I am one to forgive people who hurt me but usually those people are sorry, and say so. I totally know what you mean, and so I just wanted to comment...and I am glad that the woman who wrote that about you, emailed you back, b/c you are are right...it does make a difference. Thank you for sharing that....
WOW. You know, some people nowdays have no decency. I have (or had) a ex "friend" who completely just tore me apart. SHe was sposed to be my BFF, and I talked to her about my life, feelings about things in my life, b/c its just what you do with your BFF, right? Well, a few months ago, she just completely broke my heart with her WORDS. It made me question my whole being. It hurt and shocked me. This woman has no conscience, she doesn't care. She will pound on you until you can't take it anymore. I knew that, and I stopped talking to her until almost 2 weeks ago when my cell accidently called her house in the middle of the night, so she thought I was crank calling her- i am almost 32 yrs old for god's sake! (I had no idea until the next morning, and i deleted her completely from my cell after I realized and braced myself for what was to come.) ANyways, i get horrible after horrible email from her. I have no idea why or what in the hell I did for her to treat me in this way. At first I thought it was post partum depression, but later learned that its who she is as a person NO matter how you knew her...she tried to destroy my marriage...so I knew she was not one for me to keep in my life.
Ps- you are by far my FAVORITE writer! 
Thank god for my family and my friends, who let me know that it was not me, and that I am a good person. I am very lucky to have these people to lift me up when I need them to. I am one to forgive people who hurt me but usually those people are sorry, and say so. I totally know what you mean, and so I just wanted to comment...and I am glad that the woman who wrote that about you, emailed you back, b/c you are are right...it does make a difference. Thank you for sharing that....
Jane, I am so glad you have found peace, you did the right thing! We have all been guilty of gossip or saying something unkind, but as we get older we learn... I know I have, the minute it leaves your mouth you feel guilty, so i always go by the old saying, "treat people as you wish to be treated" it works well and I sleep at night
it is always good to keep ourselves in check...
Happy birthday for tomorrow!!
B X
Jane, I am so glad you have found peace, you did the right thing! We have all been guilty of gossip or saying something unkind, but as we get older we learn... I know I have, the minute it leaves your mouth you feel guilty, so i always go by the old saying, "treat people as you wish to be treated" it works well and I sleep at night
it is always good to keep ourselves in check...
Happy birthday for tomorrow!!
B X
You're absolutely right... we rarely think about how much something as mundane as *words* affect people. Maureen Dowd writes that women's ability to communicate (or their way with words, so to speak, compared to men) give them the potential to develop amazing, extremely deep friendships, but that the flip side of this is that when they turn on each other, that very same quality gives them an incredible power to hurt.
But here's a thought... could it be that words' potential to hurt is the price to pay for their ability to inspire?
I think Jemima J was concerned a hot topic (I am in no way saying this particular blogger's sentiments came out of actual thinking... maybe she'd just polished off a whole box of Oreos and was coming down from the sugar high...). The topic of weight in our society is a touchy one. Some say it's the last acceptable form of discrimination, others argue it's about health. But when it comes to touchy issues, people will have strong opinions on both sides, and you know what? I'd rather write a book that stirs strong emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly - rather than one that leaves readers cold and indifferent.
I've read Jemima J and it made it onto my "favorite books" list on my website, right after Naguib Mahfooz's The Beginning and the End, written by a Nobel prize winning Egyptian author. So chin up : )
You're absolutely right... we rarely think about how much something as mundane as *words* affect people. Maureen Dowd writes that women's ability to communicate (or their way with words, so to speak, compared to men) give them the potential to develop amazing, extremely deep friendships, but that the flip side of this is that when they turn on each other, that very same quality gives them an incredible power to hurt.
But here's a thought... could it be that words' potential to hurt is the price to pay for their ability to inspire?
I think Jemima J was concerned a hot topic (I am in no way saying this particular blogger's sentiments came out of actual thinking... maybe she'd just polished off a whole box of Oreos and was coming down from the sugar high...). The topic of weight in our society is a touchy one. Some say it's the last acceptable form of discrimination, others argue it's about health. But when it comes to touchy issues, people will have strong opinions on both sides, and you know what? I'd rather write a book that stirs strong emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly - rather than one that leaves readers cold and indifferent.
I've read Jemima J and it made it onto my "favorite books" list on my website, right after Naguib Mahfooz's The Beginning and the End, written by a Nobel prize winning Egyptian author. So chin up : )
Hi
Cara here, 15 years and from Malaysia. I've only just stumbled across this blog when I googled 'Jane Green' to see what other books you've written. I've only ever read 'The Other Woman' and I think it's one of the most well-written books to date.
I have a friend who had a birthday party a few days ago to celebrate her 16th birthday and one of her friends who were invited didn't enjoy the party as much as the rest did. So she blogged about it, writing rather hurtful things about the birthday girl. And of course, the birthday girl reads her blog, and thus read about it. It broke up their friendship, hurting the girl who was written about immensely. It is sad because they've been best friends since they were both 7 years old. I do hope that they make up soon.
I'm glad that the woman who wrote about Jemima J emailed you back.
It really does make a difference. And happy belated birthday! 
Cara
Hi
Cara here, 15 years and from Malaysia. I've only just stumbled across this blog when I googled 'Jane Green' to see what other books you've written. I've only ever read 'The Other Woman' and I think it's one of the most well-written books to date.
I have a friend who had a birthday party a few days ago to celebrate her 16th birthday and one of her friends who were invited didn't enjoy the party as much as the rest did. So she blogged about it, writing rather hurtful things about the birthday girl. And of course, the birthday girl reads her blog, and thus read about it. It broke up their friendship, hurting the girl who was written about immensely. It is sad because they've been best friends since they were both 7 years old. I do hope that they make up soon.
I'm glad that the woman who wrote about Jemima J emailed you back.
It really does make a difference. And happy belated birthday! 
Cara
Hi - I'm so glad you contacted that person who wrote those things about Jemima J (which, incidentally, I enjoyed). As a first time author, I too encountered something unpleasant written about my work, which flew in the face of the positive feedback I had. I contacted one of the people concerned. I was also left a review on Amazon, which was suggested my work gave the genre a bad name. Really hurtful. The worst thing about this was that it was anonymous, so the poster did not even have the guts to give their name. Sometimes, I think people are cruel for the sake of it - somethings, people just don't think of the impact that their words could have.
Hi - I'm so glad you contacted that person who wrote those things about Jemima J (which, incidentally, I enjoyed). As a first time author, I too encountered something unpleasant written about my work, which flew in the face of the positive feedback I had. I contacted one of the people concerned. I was also left a review on Amazon, which was suggested my work gave the genre a bad name. Really hurtful. The worst thing about this was that it was anonymous, so the poster did not even have the guts to give their name. Sometimes, I think people are cruel for the sake of it - somethings, people just don't think of the impact that their words could have.