I do not usually post these round-robin e-mails, but I received this today, and have been laughing out loud for the past five minutes…

Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT   LEARNING   CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday ,  December  2 1 st 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven– What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Bonsoir, mes amies!

J’ai returned home from Paris, ou, si vous followed moi on Twitter (and vraiment, if you’re not, vous really should be…), vous will know that there was a week when J’ai actually parlee en fluent Franglais. C’etait magnifique, et j’ai enjoyed myself immensely - J’avait forgotten quite combien Franglais J’ai knew, but it all came flooding back, particularly at l’aeroport, where a French woman with unfeasibly large lips attempted to queue-jump, not bargaining on La Furieuse, et Fluent en Franglais, GREEN. I commanded elle to get a la back de la ligne pronto, and she hissed at me, Salope, quel est un very unpleasant french word, mais j’ai didn’t mind, because frankly, I was never a Salope. J’etais far more of une tease.

Pour those who missed moi, ici sont quelques photos from le voyage. Il y’en a some of jolie parcs et musees, and autres de nous.

Par le way, j’ai celebree my premiere Thanksgiving as a US Citizen, avec Foie Gras et Steak Tartare. Oui, oui, je sais, pas tres vegan. J’avais fallen off le vegan voiture avec une GRANDE bump. C’est dommage. Je will attempt a climber back on bientot.

Alors, Joyeux Thanksgiving a tout!

Ma musee favorite, le Rodin Museum. C’etait la premiere jour, quand Belovee shlepped moi round Paris pendant 10 HEURS, avec only 2 brief restes pour cafe. Et il a demande pourquoi j’etais comatose la next day…

Je suis wishing ma garden looked like this. Et ma maison, actually.

Can tu see what je see?

A candle and a prayer in St. Sulpice for my beautiful Heidi. Hers is the one in the middle, biggest and brightest…

S’il vous plait, pas de paparazzi…

Oh okay. Je will smile, si vous insiste.

Merry Meringue Christmas Cookies

2 egg whites
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar
¾ cup sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped nuts
3 tablespoons crushed peppermint candy

Preheat oven to 250.

Beat the egg whites until foamy, add salt and cream of tartar, and continue beating until soft peaks form. Add sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time, beating well after each addition. Continue beating until meringue is stiff (ish). Fold in vanilla and rest of ingredients.

Drop by teaspoonfuls, ½ inch apart, on greased baking sheet. Bake for 40 minutes. Try not to eat them all before they cool…

 We are off to Paris for Thanksgiving, where, I am told, it is cold, wet, and windy. I am armoured up with raincoats, scarves, and rain hats, and cannot WAIT to do lots of walking, and attempt my long-forgotten French. Also, the Smalls are with their father, so it is something of a mini-honeymoon for Beloved and I- no turkey for me this Thanksgiving, hopefully Steak frites instead.

I have been busy, busy, BUSY. The Hugh Grant interview ran in Parade. Click here to read on Parade.com. You will see that I thoroughly enjoyed meeting him, and wish our lunch could have gone on for hours. I was TERRIFICALLY nervous in the beginning, and didn’t shut up at all. Poor man. He could hardly get a word in. I was mortified when it came time to listen to the tape. I still have lots and lots to talk to him about, and am hoping we can continue our conversation another time - I have promised him lunch again when he is next in New York.

A week later Harrison Ford took me for a helicopter ride to Malibu. It was a very different interview. More formal, less relaxed, but I will say he struck me as being an exceptionally kind man. Also, it may well have been the coolest day of my life, and I am now a superhero in the eyes of my kids who are OBSESSED with Star Wars. Also, I emailed his assistant a week later to ask her which of his planes were in the hanger that day, and could she send me a list. An hour later, my assistant walked in, her face white, clutching the phone. “Are you available for Harrison Ford?” she asked.

It was entirely unecessary for him to call, but says much about him. That, my friends, is a good man.

The Harrison Ford interview will be coming up in Parade. I update Twitter regularly, and that’s the best place to find out what I’m doing and with whom.

Last Monday I took part in the Algonquin Round Table, and sat next to Albert Maysles, who, with his brother, made the original Grey Gardens. He was beyond delightful, and I plan on having him over for lunch very soon and quizzing him relentlessly about the Edie’s. I shouldn’t think he will mind, because he is a wonderful raconteur, and filled with stories. On my other side was Joel Stein, writer for Time. I have been a huge fan of his writing for years, and he kept refilling my brandy glass, which is always going to be a bit of a win, so when we left Beloved accused me of ‘crushing’ on Mr Stein.

I tried to deny it, but okay, okay… maybe just an eency, tweency bit (as mini-me would say). And as my fashionista friend always says about having crushes, I’m married, not dead.

Also, an interview I did for bizymoms.com:  Bizymoms.com

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

PLEASE JOIN US FOR AN EVENING
OF CONVERSATION, COCKTAILS, AND CHAT

TO COMMEMORATE
THE 90TH ANNIVERSARY
OF

DOROTHY PARKER’S ALGONQUIN ROUND TABLE

The Algonquin Hotel

Monday November 16th, 2009

7pm-9pm
59 West 44th Street, New York, NY
Join us for a Commemorative Symposium of Wit and Wisdom Featuring the Unique Perspectives of Jane Green, Joel Stein, Paula Froelich, Michael Musto and Albert Maysles.

Moderated by Nat Benchley, Author and Grandson Of Original Algonquin Round Table Member, Robert Benchley

Tickets $100 With a Portion of the Proceeds to Benefit FIRST BOOK.  This organization provides NEW BOOKS TO CHILDREN IN NEED:  www.FirstBook.org.

Please purchase tickets in advance only: www.paypal.com

The Algonquin Hotel commemorates the 90th Anniversary of the famed Algonquin Round Table, a celebrated group of New York writers, critics, actors and, most memorably, incredible wits, who met nearly every day for lunch at The Algonquin Hotel from 1919-1929.

Often referred to as “The Ten Year Lunch”, the group’s charter members included Robert Benchley, Marc Connelly, Edna Ferber, George S. Kaufman, Alexander Woollcott, Heyward Broun, Franklin P. Adams, Robert Sherwood, Frank Case and, most famously, Dorothy Parker. These great minds thrived on witty repartee and incisive criticism, which is why they are often also referred to as the “Vicious Circle”.