For Heidi
Many of you have been wondering where I have been, these past six months, and those of you who have followed my sporadic blogging will know I have been looking after my Unwell Friend.
This morning, surrounded by her family, she died.
And I am heartbroken.
To borrow the words of Erich Segal:
What can you say about a forty-three-year-old girl who died?
That she was beautiful. And brilliant.
And brave.
That she loved, in no particular order, and amongst other things: her children, her husband and soulmate of twenty four years, break-up pieces of Munson’s chocolate, clothes from Lucy’s, her family, haggling to get a bargain (although she never did manage to get the lamp at Bungalow down to the right price), her cottage on the lake in Canada, her camp girls, the Fab Five, Beef Negimaki Bento Boxes at Matsu, skiing, her “A” team, aka Heidi’s Angels, Art Smarts, coaching her son’s soccer team.
That she had a smile that lit up the world. That her glass was always half full. That she only ever saw the good in people, in life, in any situation that came her way, and that she had more joie de vivre than anyone I have ever met.
Heidi didn’t just live life. She sparkled.
She was an extraordinary friend. Through thick and thin, she was always there, offering tremendous wisdom, common sense, support, and love.
I called her the Eskimo, because when it snows here in winter, she would take her children outside and build quinzhees with them: snow houses - something she learned to do as a child in Toronto.
She knew everything about survival: you could dump her in a rainforest with a pocketknife and backpack, and I guarantee that a year later she would be thriving, probably having built a small village.
But she couldn’t survive the cancer that swept through her body like a wildfire these past six months.
I, and others, have been with her almost every day for the past few months, and it has been a privilege and an honor to accompany her on this most heartbreaking of journeys. Her courage, her laughter, her beauty and grace have taught me extraordinary lessons about life.
And love.
She leaves an indelible handprint on all our hearts, and I will miss her for the rest of my life.
Heidi Armitage
1965 - 2009
I love you.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your friend. I wish I had something to say that didn’t sound like a cliche or completely meaningless.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I’m so sorry Jane. You were very lucky to have each other as friends. xo
September 30th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss…
September 30th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
My deepest condolences for you, all who loved her, and all she loved.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
My heart is breaking … just so very very sad :((((((((((((
September 30th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Sending peaceful thoughts your way, and to all whom Heidi touched…
September 30th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Strength and courage.
Strength and courage.
Strength and courage.
xx00xx00xx00xx00xx
September 30th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Losing loved ones is one of the most difficult things we humans have to endure. It’s never easy, and you are never prepared for it… what you did for your friend and what you wrote about her was beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Just so sad -
September 30th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. That was a beautiful tribute post.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:05 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you being there for her and being such a good friend til the end helped her more than words could ever say.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:43 am
I am so sorry, Jane. My thoughts are with you and all of Heidi’s family and friends…
October 1st, 2009 at 6:06 am
Jane, I am so sorry for your loss of a beautiful friend and woman. I am praying for you and everyone that Heidi has touched in her life. God Bless.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:04 am
Oh, Jane, this is so sad and moving. Heidi must have been a very special person. You were lucky to have her as a friend and she you. This is a lovely tribute to her life and your friendship. My condolences to her family and to you. May she live on in your memory.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:03 am
I’m so sorry, Jane. What a lovely tribute to your friend.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:33 am
She was very special to my very special sister …
Am in tears at my computer, but appreciate your beautifully written post.
- R
October 1st, 2009 at 11:20 am
I hope you’re holding up… My heartfelt condolences, Jane <3 XOXO
October 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Jane, I am beyond sorry for your loss. I know you wrote about “The Eskimo” often, and how close you were. I have said a prayer for you and Heidi’s family, that you may have peace during this most difficult time.
One thing I can say, is to live your life with her in mind. Be greatful for everyday you have on this earth in her memory. Our time here is so short and sadly, some shorter than others. The best thing we can do to honor our lost loved ones, is to remember them always and live our lives to the fullest.
Also, I think any mother would especially want her friends to be there for her children at those times now that she can’t. Do small things for them, things that she would smile down on your for doing. Love them as living reminders of your dear friend.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Jane, I am so sorry for your loss! Reading your lovely tribute to your friend Heidi makes me think of two things. One is that, in the midst of the worst experiences we get to see glimpses of the very best in ourselves and others. The other, seeing that she is almost exactly the same age as I, is that, corny as it sounds in the commmercial, Happy Birthday really is a victory song. I will never complain about getting a year older or not being in my 20’s or 30’s anymore because each year we get to live, love and laugh is absolutely a gift.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It made me cry.
And what a beautiful post, which I’m sure doesn’t do justice to who your friend was, but that paints such a wonderful picture of who your friend was to so many people.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Jane, I’m so sorry for the loss of someone who sounded so incredibly special. My heart goes out to you and to all who loved Heidi. May peace be with you. x
October 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
What a heartfelt tribute. You and Heidi’s family are in my thoughts and prayers.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. Although she died at a very young age, it sounds as though she a lived a fuller life than most even attempt to live.
October 1st, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Hello Jane,
Yours words describing Heidi are beautiful and accurate.
Heidi was my teenage friend and I remember her as the vibrant, wonderful woman you have described.
My condolences to you for the loss of such a loving, special person in your life.
I am saddened to know of her passing.
My heartfelt sympathy for you and Heidi’s family.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 am
It’s so sad. She must have been a truly special person.
[*]
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:05 am
Jane, I will keep her and you in my thoughts today.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
I also had the priviledge of spending quality time with my sister Margee before her passing last Nov. 24th. She also went quickly…to quickly. My memories are so vivid and I often feel like she’s rooting me on. I feel like Heidi will be clapping for all of you…and cheering you on! I am so sorry for this loss.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:27 am
Thank you for sharing about Heidi’s wonderful life. What a blessing that she had such great friends around her and her family during these last months. Thinking of you all XXOO.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Jane - You are a bright light for us all. Heidi sparkled even more brightly because of your love. She is proud of you, and grateful. Know this always. In our thoughts and prayers — Be Well.
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 am
Dear Jane,
I just learned of Heidi’s passing and am just gutted with the news. Our oldest children were in pre-school together and she was one of my first friends in Westport. She was always so bright and lively and I adored her sense of humor. I moved to the UK in 2004 and although she and I eventually lost touch over the years, I often thought of her and her children. I occasionally read your blog and I had suspected that the Eskimo was Heidi, but I had no idea that she was also your Unwell friend. Please accept my condolences as I know that you two were so very close.
October 3rd, 2009 at 8:49 am
You tribute to Heidi was just beautiful, and I am so sorry that you too must suffer this horrendous loss, as that is exactly what it is. I am a “breast friend,” as Heidi called us, from the breastcancer.org board, and although I have never had the pleasure of having personally known Heidi, I am sure that by saying to “know her was to love her.” I followed her fight with this beast of a disease since her diagnose and her coming to the Board. We all fell in love with her spirit, her fight and her optimistic outlook on life. I miss her presence, her kind words to all, and most of all her spunk and radiance. This angel was taken much, much too soon and her breast friends from all over the world (literally) are left with an empty space in all of our hearts for our Heidi-ho. I am clapping, I am clapping, and I know you will know what I mean. May your wonderful memories of Heidi carry you through this most terrible loss.
Most sincerely,
Linda
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:10 am
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. That was a beautiful tribute to your friend and you, your family, and hers, are all in my thoughts.
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
wow…what an impact you have made on all of us by writing about your wonderful friend and her passing. What an unfair hand she was delt. Thank gosh she had wonderful friends like you and her amazing family. It is really unfair and madning! You all must be in such a state of sadness…so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help… Very sorry for all of you. xo
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Such a loss - so sad - we will miss her too on breastcancer.org
October 4th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
What a beautiful tribute. I am so incredibly sorry and send my condolences. My brother Andy lost his fight with cancer on the 20th August. He was an incredible young man who will always be loved and never forgotten.
A great friend shared this with me and so I send it to you with love, and hope that the wonderful memories of her friendship, her laughter and her joy bring you comfort.
“A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, “she is gone”. Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all; she is just as large as when I saw her. The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her, and just at the moment when someone at my side says “she is gone”, there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout, “there she comes!”
October 4th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Jane, I did not know Heidi in person but I met her six months ago on the Stage 4 forum of a site for women with breast cancer, breastcancer.org. We had both just been diagnosed. Her incredible courage, in the midst of grief and anger at being torn from her family, made her stand out, as did the compassion she showed for what other women there were going through. She did indeed sparkle, even in at such a difficult time in her life. Thank you for writing such a beautiful tribute to such an exceptional woman, robbed of her life so unfairly and so young.
October 4th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
It sounds like you lost someone very precious and dear…my thoughts and prayers are with you.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Jane
Thank you for sharing this with us and it is so sad to see a life end at such a early age
love
lucy
October 6th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
im very sorry for what happened. no one can make you feel better about something like this, but i think that you were so lucky to have such a great friend and that you were able to have that experience in life. not everyone is lucky enough to know a great friend ship such as the one you had. god bless you
October 6th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Jane, what a lovely tribute to your lovely friend. Thank you for sharing her with us. My thoughts are with you all.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:19 am
RIP
October 10th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I am shocked and very saddened by this news. I went to camp with Heidi and Adam for many years. In fact, it was a couple years ago that I saw the whole family at the Joe lake portage right by camp. Please give my condolances to Adam and the entire family. Our prayers are with you.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Dear Jane
Your speech at Heidi’s memorial service on Monday was wonderful. Thank you for your beautiful words and for your courage and love to share them with us. I was wondering if you could post your speech to this website, or perhaps just the extract about ‘love’. I have a friend who is caring for a terminally ill relative and I know your words will give her so much comfort.
Thank you, Brigid
October 15th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Thank you Jane,
Your words describe an extraordinary young women I knew in the early eighties. Heidi was all that you describe at a young age of 16, unbridled love of life in any circumstance. I had the fortunate gift of traveling through the wilds of Canada with Heidi and her freinds for 50+ days… a gift I will always cherish.
Please send my condolences to her family.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Jane, I just heard this terrible news today. I am saddened and shocked. Yes, she really did sparkle. How lucky for you to have her as your dear friend. Something to hold forever. I send you my heartfelt condolences.
Fondly and with Sympathy, Jill Kalman
October 26th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I watched in agony as my beloved sister lost her beautiful long auburn hair, then all of the fat on her entire body, next her ability to go to the bathroom, and eventually her life. As a caretaker I never felt more helpless in my entire life. I sat by and could virtually do nothing while watching her life slip away, one torturous day at a time. The one thing, she never did loose though, was her sense of humor. Right up to the very end she was still making me laugh. No amount of time will pass that will heal the hurt I feel inside but I can say that having the priviledge of knowing the wonderful person that was my sister, even if I knew I would only get to have her for 41 years, I would go through it all over again. I am truly sorry for the loss of your friend. Keep your wonderful memories of her alive in your heart always.
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Dear Jane,
It’s been a while since I was last at your blog … holidays, work, winter cleaning getting in the way. I had an hour or so while the hubby was cooking dinner (yes, i’m that lucky) and thought that this would be a perfect time to get caught up with my favorite author. You always manage to get me to chuckle softly or guffaw heartily when reading your blog. Or a pensive nod of the head as if to convey to you that I totally “get” what you’re saying. This post, however, did move me to tears. What you were able to convey, though, through your wonderful post was what an amazing person Heidi was … and how blessed others’ lives were for having known her.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, so I’m hoping that some peace and a catharsis is heading your way simply from the outpouring of love that was in your post … and the wonderful replies I read through. i hope this comment helps your heart heal just a little bit more.
Warm hugs from the cold midwest. I hope, with each day and each post, your heart heals just a bit more.
~~Amy
January 9th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Every Saturday morning when I read the paper I always glance at the Deaths, Memorial Section never expecting to see anyone I know, and I always promise myself I will read just one entry even it is someone I don’t know. In fact, my first rule is not to look at the name until I finish the article. Today I was truly sad to read that it was Heidi Armitage who passed away in September. Although 3 decades separate the time I last saw Heidi, I remember Heidi well. I remember being a Guide on a canoe trip with her stuck in the muck at the end of a portage, and she was laughing, full of life, and definitely more amused than annoyed by the waist high mud. My sincere condolences.