This is so utterly hilarious I am posting the entire thing. Daily Candy fills up my inbox regularly. I am so fed up with their steals and deals, I rarely even open the emails, however this caught my eye.

Protecting Your Assets
The Paparazzi Protector Slip

Know what’s actually not sexy?

Showing your vagina to total strangers. (note from JG: if anyone ever sees me getting out of a car like the woman below, please know that it is because dementia has struck)

Know what else?

Taking off a slinky minidress to reveal bulgy, sausage casing underthings.

Avoid both mishaps with the Paparazzi Protector, a onesie made of nonclingy microfiber meant to be worn underneath short dresses and skirts to prevent hooha exposure when exiting a car.

The smart slip has adjustable straps and comes with a lace lingerie bag for washing and safekeeping. You can choose from ten pretty colors ranging from neutrals (black and nude) to brights (turquoise and purple). Plus, it doubles as a sleepytime romper.

Look who’s bringing sexy back.

Available online at sheltini.com.
Photos: Courtesy of Sheltini

At risk of showing my age perhaps, I must confess I do not understand the whole knickerless trend. How do you get dressed and not put underwear on? Are you supposed to feel sexier? I suspect I would feel…nervous. And naked. And would walk VERY VERY carefully.

And I would not get in and out of cars. AT ALL.

So someone called Shelton Wilder has invented the Sheltini, which protects your private parts from the Paparazzi. It looks to me like a pair of shorts and a vest sewn together. I can’t imagine Lindsay Lohan being terribly tempted by the Sheltini, which provides so much coverage, they recommend you also wear it entirely on its own. Which rather defeats the object of the exercise.

And makes me wonder…

What on earth is the problem with a pair of cotton knickers?

I am back from London, back from cooking lunch for Hugh Grant.

Because I have written a piece for Parade magazine - out in December - I cannot tell you much about it until then, but I will just tell you this:

He was utterly adorable.

Thoughtful, curious, and disarmingly good company.

He also loved my cooking, so he is extra-specially nice, and welcome to have lunch in my kitchen any. Time. He. Wants.

Now on to more important stuff…the food. For those of you who wish to have a taste of my experience with Hugh Grant, I am providing the recipes for the food I made, and it was, if I do say so myself, seriously delish. I haven’t provided a recipe for the caramelised plum tart, because I was supposed to be making a tarte tatin, but I couldn’t find a pan that would go in the oven.

I had borrowed my friend Annie’s house, in which to cook HG lunch. Once upon a time it used to belong to Tina Turner, so it’s seriously swanky, in Notting Hill, and has La Cornue wall to wall in the kitchen.

Sadly, when I got there, I remembered that Annie doesn’t cook. I only remember this an hour before HG arrives, and I go to blend the stuffing, and realise the hand-held blender is from 1984, and emits worrying whiffs of smoke every time I turn it on.

And then - oh the horror - not a sharp knife in the house. I run over to the hotel, burst in, and babble something about HG coming for lunch and no knives and please, please, please may I borrow their very best carving knife.

Finally, no pan for the tarte tatin. So I cut puff pastry into rectangles, placed plums on the top, and made a quick caramel sauce with butter and sugar, and poured it over, then baked it…It was good, but I have no idea what the measurements are - it was all rather panicky guesswork…

Roasted Tenderloin of Pork with Fig, Prosciutto and Sage Stuffing.

Ingredients

1 Tenderloin of pork

8 slices prosciutto

8 dried figs

handful of chopped fresh sage, or ½ teaspoon dried

1 stick butter

seasoning

olive oil

4 apples, sliced in wedges

2 red onions, cut into wedges

string

Pre-heat oven to 450.

Directions

Take the pork and cut through the center until you are about a centimeter away from the other side – you don’t want to cut it all the way through, but slice it so it opens like a sandwich.

In a blender, blend butter, figs, prosciutto, sage, seasoning to make stuffing.

Press stuffing onto one half of tenderloin, then bring the other half over the top to sandwich it.

You will need to then wrap string around the pork to hold it together. Cut the string into 6 lengths, and tie each length, about an inch apart.

Place pork in pan, and arrange apples and onions around the pork.

Season everything, and pour generous glug of olive oil over all.

Cook on 450 for 15 mins, baste pork, then reduce to 350 for one hour.

The apples and onion caramelize and cook down to a delicious sauce…

Wild Mushroom Polenta

Ingredients

3 cups chicken stock

2 cups polenta

1/2 cup half and half

4 Tbsp. butter

1/4 cup Mascarpone

1/2 cup grated Parmigiano cheese

seasoning

 

Directions

Combine milk, salt, and stock and bring to a simmer. Add the polenta in a slow steady stream and bring the mixture to a simmer. Stir with a wooden spoon and cook at very low heat for 1 hour, stirring frequently. If the mixture begins to thicken too much, add more simmering stock. Finish with mascarpone and butter, then season and add Parmigiano. It should be like loose mashed potatoes.

 

Mushroom sauce

Ingredients

1 cup assorted gourmet mushrooms, i.e. porcini, morels, etc

(Costco do an amazing jar of dried mushrooms which are perfect for this once soaked)

olive oil

1 clove garlic

1 onion, finely chopped.

4 tablespoons chicken stock

seasoning

1 sprig of thyme.

chopped parsley.

Directions:

Rinse the mushrooms thoroughly if fresh, then slice them and sautee them with the garlic and onion in olive oil for about 10 minutes.

Add thyme, seasoning and stock, and turn heat on high, uncovered, to reduce and thicken sauce.

When ready to serve, spoon over polenta and sprinkle with chopped parsley.