This is so utterly hilarious I am posting the entire thing. Daily Candy fills up my inbox regularly. I am so fed up with their steals and deals, I rarely even open the emails, however this caught my eye.

Protecting Your Assets
The Paparazzi Protector Slip

Showing your vagina to total strangers. (note from JG: if anyone ever sees me getting out of a car like the woman below, please know that it is because dementia has struck)

Know what else?

Look who’s bringing sexy back.

Available online at sheltini.com.
Photos: Courtesy of Sheltini

At risk of showing my age perhaps, I must confess I do not understand the whole knickerless trend. How do you get dressed and not put underwear on? Are you supposed to feel sexier? I suspect I would feel…nervous. And naked. And would walk VERY VERY carefully.

And I would not get in and out of cars. AT ALL.

So someone called Shelton Wilder has invented the Sheltini, which protects your private parts from the Paparazzi. It looks to me like a pair of shorts and a vest sewn together. I can’t imagine Lindsay Lohan being terribly tempted by the Sheltini, which provides so much coverage, they recommend you also wear it entirely on its own. Which rather defeats the object of the exercise.

And makes me wonder…

What on earth is the problem with a pair of cotton knickers?

I am back from London, back from cooking lunch for Hugh Grant.

Because I have written a piece for Parade magazine - out in December - I cannot tell you much about it until then, but I will just tell you this:

He was utterly adorable.

Thoughtful, curious, and disarmingly good company.

He also loved my cooking, so he is extra-specially nice, and welcome to have lunch in my kitchen any. Time. He. Wants.

Now on to more important stuff…the food. For those of you who wish to have a taste of my experience with Hugh Grant, I am providing the recipes for the food I made, and it was, if I do say so myself, seriously delish. I haven’t provided a recipe for the caramelised plum tart, because I was supposed to be making a tarte tatin, but I couldn’t find a pan that would go in the oven.

I had borrowed my friend Annie’s house, in which to cook HG lunch. Once upon a time it used to belong to Tina Turner, so it’s seriously swanky, in Notting Hill, and has La Cornue wall to wall in the kitchen.

Sadly, when I got there, I remembered that Annie doesn’t cook. I only remember this an hour before HG arrives, and I go to blend the stuffing, and realise the hand-held blender is from 1984, and emits worrying whiffs of smoke every time I turn it on.

And then - oh the horror - not a sharp knife in the house. I run over to the hotel, burst in, and babble something about HG coming for lunch and no knives and please, please, please may I borrow their very best carving knife.

Finally, no pan for the tarte tatin. So I cut puff pastry into rectangles, placed plums on the top, and made a quick caramel sauce with butter and sugar, and poured it over, then baked it…It was good, but I have no idea what the measurements are - it was all rather panicky guesswork…

Roasted Tenderloin of Pork with Fig, Prosciutto and Sage Stuffing.

Ingredients

1 Tenderloin of pork

8 slices prosciutto

8 dried figs

handful of chopped fresh sage, or ½ teaspoon dried

1 stick butter

seasoning

olive oil

4 apples, sliced in wedges

2 red onions, cut into wedges

string

Pre-heat oven to 450.

Directions

Take the pork and cut through the center until you are about a centimeter away from the other side – you don’t want to cut it all the way through, but slice it so it opens like a sandwich.

In a blender, blend butter, figs, prosciutto, sage, seasoning to make stuffing.

Press stuffing onto one half of tenderloin, then bring the other half over the top to sandwich it.

You will need to then wrap string around the pork to hold it together. Cut the string into 6 lengths, and tie each length, about an inch apart.

Place pork in pan, and arrange apples and onions around the pork.

Season everything, and pour generous glug of olive oil over all.

Cook on 450 for 15 mins, baste pork, then reduce to 350 for one hour.

The apples and onion caramelize and cook down to a delicious sauce…

Wild Mushroom Polenta

Ingredients

3 cups chicken stock

2 cups polenta

1/2 cup half and half

4 Tbsp. butter

1/4 cup Mascarpone

1/2 cup grated Parmigiano cheese

seasoning

Directions

Combine milk, salt, and stock and bring to a simmer. Add the polenta in a slow steady stream and bring the mixture to a simmer. Stir with a wooden spoon and cook at very low heat for 1 hour, stirring frequently. If the mixture begins to thicken too much, add more simmering stock. Finish with mascarpone and butter, then season and add Parmigiano. It should be like loose mashed potatoes.

Mushroom sauce

Ingredients

1 cup assorted gourmet mushrooms, i.e. porcini, morels, etc

(Costco do an amazing jar of dried mushrooms which are perfect for this once soaked)

olive oil

1 clove garlic

1 onion, finely chopped.

4 tablespoons chicken stock

seasoning

1 sprig of thyme.

chopped parsley.

Directions:

Rinse the mushrooms thoroughly if fresh, then slice them and sautee them with the garlic and onion in olive oil for about 10 minutes.

Add thyme, seasoning and stock, and turn heat on high, uncovered, to reduce and thicken sauce.

When ready to serve, spoon over polenta and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

Many of you have been wondering where I have been, these past six months, and those of you who have followed my sporadic blogging will know I have been looking after my Unwell Friend.

This morning, surrounded by her family, she died.

And I am heartbroken.

To borrow the words of Erich Segal:

What can you say about a forty-three-year-old girl who died?

That she was beautiful. And brilliant.

And brave.

That she loved, in no particular order, and amongst other things: her children, her husband and soulmate of twenty four years, break-up pieces of Munson’s chocolate, clothes from Lucy’s, her family, haggling to get a bargain (although she never did manage to get the lamp at Bungalow down to the right price), her cottage on the lake in Canada, her camp girls, the Fab Five, Beef Negimaki Bento Boxes at Matsu, skiing, her “A” team, aka Heidi’s Angels, Art Smarts, coaching her son’s soccer team.

That she had a smile that lit up the world. That her glass was always half full. That she only ever saw the good in people, in life, in any situation that came her way, and that she had more joie de vivre than anyone I have ever met.

Heidi didn’t just live life. She sparkled.

She was an extraordinary friend. Through thick and thin, she was always there, offering tremendous wisdom, common sense, support, and love.

I called her the Eskimo, because when it snows here in winter, she would take her children outside and build quinzhees with them: snow houses - something she learned to do as a child in Toronto.

She knew everything about survival: you could dump her in a rainforest with a pocketknife and backpack, and I guarantee that a year later she would be thriving, probably having built a small village.

But she couldn’t survive the cancer that swept through her body like a wildfire these past six months.

I, and others, have been with her almost every day for the past few months, and it has been a privilege and an honor to accompany her on this most heartbreaking of journeys. Her courage, her laughter, her beauty and grace have taught me extraordinary lessons about life.

And love.

She leaves an indelible handprint on all our hearts, and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Heidi Armitage

1965 - 2009

I love you.

I have long been of the mindset that food is love. The reason I love entertaining so, is because it is the perfect way for me to show my friends how much I love them.

These past few months, I have been cooking for my Unwell Friend. First, for her, a multitude of vegan dishes to try and help her on the road back to health, and of late, for her family. They laugh that they are the lucky recipients of my cooking therapy, and it is true, but it is also my way of giving, of showing my love.

And it is because I do not know what else to do.

I have had a couple of huge hits with the recent food. I used two recipes: Sheila Lukins’s Asian Orange Chicken, with Delia Smith’s Chicken Basque, as inspiration, and combined them both to make a wondrous one-pot Asian orange chicken with onions, peppers and rice.

Fish Escabeche was the result of over-ordering fish and chips. I made a sweet and sour sauce, Filipino-style, with carrots, peppers and cucumbers and poured it over the fried fish to create an entirely new dish. The sauce would work equally well with chicken, or thick eggplant slices, dredged in flour and lightly fried, for a vegetarian option.

I made tandoori salmon kebabs, and a tofu version for us, using extra firm tofu, diced into large cubes. I served them with pureed cauliflower, a head of cauliflower steamed, then pureed with a tablespoon of butter and a tablespoon of tofutti sour cream - they were better than the best mashed potatoes I have ever eaten. I sliced fennel, thinly, and caramelised it with sliced leeks, a tablespoon of brown sugar, of white wine vinegar, and of olive oil, over a low heat for over an hour, until it was sticky, sweet and brown, and served it on top of the pureed cauliflower.

Asian Orange Chicken (serves 6 -

For the marinade:

Zest of 4 oranges
2/3 cup fresh orange juice
1/4 cup honey
3 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
2 teaspoons finely minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
seasoning

2 chickens, jointed into 8 pieces, seasoned

2 large red bell peppers

2 medium onions

2 cloves garlic

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 cup brown short grain rice

1 1/2 cups chicken stock

teaspoon of tomato paste

3/4 cup dry white wine

1/2 large orange, cut into 1/2″ wedges — peel on

4 scallions (white bulbs and 3″ green) thinly sliced on diagonal for garnish.

The day before serving rinse and dry chicken pieces, and combine orange zest and juice, honey, soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, garlic and red pepper flakes and seasoning into bowl for marinade. Stir well, coat chicken pieces and refrigerate overnight.

When ready to cook, tart off by seasoning the chicken pieces with salt and pepper. Next, slice the red peppers in half and remove the seeds and pith, then slice each half into six strips. Likewise, peel the onion and slice into strips of approximately the same size.

Now heat 2 T. olive oil in the casserole, and when it is fairly hot, add the chicken pieces - 2 or 3 at a time - and brown them to a nutty golden color on both sides. As they brown, remove them to a plate lines with paper towels, using a slotted spoon. Next add a little more oil to the casserole, with the heat slightly higher than medium. As soon as the oil is hot, add the onion and peppers and allow them to brown a little at the edges, moving them around from timt to time, for about 5 minutes.

After that add the garlic and toss around for a minute or two until the garlic is pale golden then stir in the rice, and when the grains have a good coating of oil, add the stock, wine, tomato paste. As soon as everything has reached a simmer, turn the heat down to a gentle simmer. Add a little more seasoning, then place the chicken gently on top of everything (it’s important to keep the rice down in the liquid). Finally, scatter the wedges of orange in among them.

Cover with a tight-fitting lid and cook over the gentlest possible heat for about 50 minutes to 1 hour, or until the rice is cooked but still retains a little bite. Alternatively, cook in a preheated oven at 350 for 1 hour.

Garnish with scallions.

Fish Escabeche (serves 4 - 6)

You could buy a couple of fish fillets, cod or snapper, dredge them in seasoned flour, and fry them until cooked. Or you could cheat and buy fried fish from your local fish and chip store which is far easier and less messy. If you’re still tempted to buy, you will need about 1lb fish.

Sweet and sour sauce:
1/2 cup superfine sugar (although I used raw organic natural cane sugar and it was perfectly fine)
1/2 cup white vinegar
1/2 cup water
3 tablespoons tomato ketchup
1 small carrot, peeled and thinly sliced
1 medium green bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 medium cucumber, peeled, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
1/2 tablespoon cornstarch dissolved in 2 tablespoons water (this is the thickener. I had no cornstarch so used 1 1/2 tablespoons of wholewheat flour instead)
Fresh cilantro leaves to garnish.

To make sauce, combine sugar, vinegar, water and ketchup in a pan. Add carrots when hot, cook for 4-5 minutes, then add bell peppers and cucumber. Simmer, without stirring for another 3 minutes. Stir in cornstarch mixture and simmer until sauce thickens. Remove from heat.

Place fish on serving platter, pour sweet and sour sauce all over fish. Arrange vegetables around fish and garnish with fresh cilantro leaves.

Salmon or Tofu tikka skewers.

1 1/2 lb thick salmon filets, skinned, cubed, or 2 packets of extra firm tofu, diced into 1″ cubes
2 heaped tablespoons of tandoori curry paste
1 cup natural or soy yoghurt
1 bunch mint
1 bunch cilantro
1 tablespoon olive oil
juice of 1/2 lemon
1/2 cucumber, chopped.
1 red onion, finely sliced

Mix the curry paste and 2 tablespoons of the yoghurt, and marinade the salmon or tofu for at least one hour.
For the dressing combine the rest of the yoghurt with the finely chopped herbs, cucumber, onion, lemon and olive oil.
Thread cubes onto soaked wooden skewers, and turn on a grill until cooked.
Serve with yoghurt salad.

Every month a magazine comes out called Connecticut Cottages and Gardens, featuring perfect and gorgeous homes in our state.

This month, their regular feature, “On the Couch” caught my eye.

It starts with this question: “Do you think the furnishings and objects in a room reveal much about the homeowner(s)?”

I then glanced over at the attached picture.

After I had stopped laughing, I decided to answer the question myself:

Not when you have paid a designer to put all the furnishings and objects in said room.

From what I can see, there isn’t a single personal item in the room, which renders the whole exercise entirely moot.

Is it beautiful? Yes, if that’s your kind of thing. Does it give anything away other than the people paid someone else a lot of money to a designer so they can buy good taste? I’m not so sure it does.

Were there books, paintings, objects, anything that revealed the owners’ taste, it would be a relevant exercise, but honestly, I just can’t quite see the point.

My own home is horribly cluttered, with beautiful bits. I decided to shoot a few vignettes, and do a little “On the Couch” of my own.

The owner has children, and guilt about throwing art projects, like slightly strange dioramas, in the bin. She collects pillboxes, and may be a writer, judging by the typewriter. Some of the pillboxes are not her taste, because secretly she only likes the quirky hand-painted Limoges ones, but The Olds have decided they will give her a collection (if the Olds are reading this, she very much likes the egg box with the egg inside, and she apologises if she is causing offence. Again). She is pretending perfume is room spray because she is too lazy to take the perfume up to her bedroom and frankly she prefers Le Labo.

The Buddha is a constant reminder that she is aiming for serenity, and he is missing a finger because what do you expect when your Buddha comes from HomeGoods and cost $16.95. She tried to fix it with Mighty Putty, but it didn’t work, thus proving the homeowner is also a sucker when it comes to Infomercials. The sunflowers are happy - she is a sunny person. The glass vase contains Charlie the caterpillar, proving she is very cheap when it comes to pets, and she is hoping Charlie survives longer than the fish. In the background you can see stacks of books on the kitchen counter, so she is horribly disorganised because fiction does not belong on a kitchen counter.

She dreams of one day owning an amphicar because she thinks it would be funny to drive down the ramp at Compo Beach and drive past waving at people. She is living the minivan dream, which she isn’t entirely sure she ever wanted, and the card that says damn right she’s good in bed, she can sleep for days, is honestly not a joke. She has a slight girl crush on Carolyn Bessette Kennedy who was her style icon for her recent wedding, and she is a boater, as the tide charts are up on the fridge. She is also not very tidy. Ahem.

And this, finally, is my beautiful vignette for the magazine, complete with requisite coral, shells, greyhound bookends and abstract art…